after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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