I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
