Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize