i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize