The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
