How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just pynch a tree in the face
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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