Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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