I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
