I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
