Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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