I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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