He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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