Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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