i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
