i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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