There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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