I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
