Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
