Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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