11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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