Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
