last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She even gives head with a lisp.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
