im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's official drugs can't kill me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
