It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
