go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
