Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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