the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
