I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
