What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
