ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
