I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
