then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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