Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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