I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my being single is dangerous.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
