No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
