i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
