Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
