He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
