FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
