drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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