so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you win again, gameday.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
