singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
