Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize