You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize