So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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