Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
