The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
