Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
