He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
