Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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