Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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