hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
