Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
