We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
