Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
